Make it stop…

Pain Level: 9/10 

I am really sorry to do this, but I desperately need to vent. So if you are looking for a cheerful post, you may want to come back tomorrow…

Baby ElephantEvery single part of me aches with such an intensity right now that I can hardly see. My head feels like it weighs the same as a baby elephant, my neck is straining to hold it upright. The right side of my back feels twisted, stretched, spasmed and stamped on all at the same time. My knee can’t hold the rest of me up without buckling, and so I don’t get up to save myself the pain.

I have sat here for hours, unable to move, waiting for the roomy to get home. I have taken my allocated medication for the day and it hasn’t even touched the surface…I can still hardly move my neck to the left or right, or even raise it from the pillows. 

My head hurts, and I have moments of anxiety that make no sense. I know it will pass in time so it doesn’t scare me so much anymore, but today I am angry. Today I am really, really mad at the man who decided it was OK to ruin my life. I want to feel compassion and be strong, but today I have nothing to give on that front. I am exhausted by the effort of trying not to cry, of not sleeping, of just trying to breathe slow.  

As I sit here, totally still apart from tapping away on my keys…it feels like someone is chipping away at my kneecap with a chisel. 

I want this to stop. I want to get up in the morning and go to work, and be able to go shopping when I choose, or drive my car, and not have to worry about whether I will sleep at night. I want to be able to reach something on the top shelf, or kneel down, or throw a ball for the puppy.

I want money in my account. I don’t want flashbacks anymore. I want to live, not just go through the motions.

Can someone make it stop, please?


~ by This Little Lady on May 11, 2009.

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